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Thursday, April 12, 2012

No Good Rotten Day

That's how I would describe my entire weekend.

I believe that writing things down helps for multiple reasons. I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog, and that's ok, it's not for anyone in particular. This post is mostly for me.

A few weeks ago I made it to the doctor for the first time in like 14 years....yikes. I was given some meds to help with some issues I've had my entire life. Anxiety/OCD. Dum dum dum dum. I hear people say all the time, oh I'm so OCD, I can't stand such and such. Pretty sure everyone has a little bit of OCD but in general, those who say they have it for the sake of dramatics, don't really have it. Who am I to judge....anyways. To me OCD is living every single day with a constant fear of _________ happening. Whatever the reasons for the individual person, it varies. To cope with that (usually senseless) fear, people with OCD develop habits or rituals that have to be completed to keep themselves safe, clean, etc...For me, it started off innocently enough, a few quirks here and there. But as time has gone on, I've come to realize how dependent I am on those 'habits'. The order that I get ready in the morning, how I dry my hair with my towel a certain way, lining things up, not stepping on cracks, etc....innocent enough. Now as more time has gone on, add a few more 'quirks' (calling them quirks makes me think I'm more like Zooey Deschenaal, and not some wacko) making sure the volume is on an even number, counting in my mind, spelling words in my mind, making sure I 'feel' even, sitting in the 'right' place in the car, where I put my stuff, hand washing/sanitizing, not touching doorknobs, how I put my shoes and socks on, etc....without realizing it really, it has consumed my life. I'm not nearly as bad as a lot of people with OCD, and I'm thankful for that. I have realized that I can stop something from becoming a habit if I try hard. But it's not really possible for me to change the already established habits.

Anyways my OCD stems from my anxiety. I think I subconsciously developed my OCD habits to self-medicate (in a way) my anxiety. I have very irrational fears, that's the most frustrating part, is that I KNOW they're irrational but there's not much I can do about it. One of my earliest anxiety memories happened when I was TWO years old. It's something I've dealt with my whole life. I thought I was pretty good at hiding it. 7th grade, it reared it's ugly, nasty head, probably upset that I had kept it hidden for so long. That was a bad year.

I've been debating whether to post this or not but either way, it's helped to write it all down.

On Friday I was supposed to fly to New York to spend the weekend in NYC, fun right? Wellllll I bought my plane ticket, bus pass, and attraction pass, drove 2 hours to Seattle Friday night. The entire time I was freaking out. Why? I have NO idea. I've flown by myself before, several times. It's not a big deal. There was just something about this trip and that day, I couldn't do it. I had a pretty embarrassing panic attack. Nothing helped. I have this weird issue, when people are mean to me I get really upset, when people show me too much compassion, I get really upset. It's annoying. So my mom was there and tried to make it better but it didn't help. I offered to buy her a plane ticket to come with me, give her my plane ticket to go, etc, but it doesn't work like that unfortunately. My mom called up the friend that I was supposed to meet over there and told her I couldn't go. That made me feel even worse. Ugh. It was all around horrible.

Last weekend I was literally in a daze. It was like I was in a dream, I wasn't really aware of what was going on. I drove home from Seattle with my mom and we talked about all my 'stuff'. I was sooo tense and the next morning I felt like I had been hit by a car. Even writing about it now makes me a little anxious. I've been thinking about that a lot this week and I've come to the conclusion that maybe I wasn't meant to go to NY, but I was meant to have that experience so I could finally admit to myself and others all the stuff that I've tried so hard to hide over the years.

There are some days that are worse than others. Since I've started taking some pills to help, it seems to be getting worse. Going to see a specialist in a few weeks. I'm just constantly dizzy, sick to my stomach, TIRED, I have no appetite (except at dinner I eat like a PIG), my mouth is so dry I cough when I breath, did I say dizzy? Tomorrow I will see my doctor and change something because it's dumb to feel worse while taking something that's supposed to help. I know diet plays a big role in this and I will be restarting my Prism way of eating next week (why is it always next week?). I'll see how that helps with my overall health. I think it will really help.

I'm still debating if I should post this. It's all pretty personal stuff but I do feel like I owe an explanation as to why I didn't go on my NY trip. Actually, I don't think I owe an explanation to anyone, more to myself. To work through my thought process. Hmmmm.

Well I'll post this, it might disappear in the next few hours, we'll see.

I just don't like talking about this kind of stuff. It does explain a lot about me though haha. When all those people at church ask me why I don't move to Utah, why I'm not married, why, why, why, I make up some silly excuse. But this is why. Why is it anyone's business? oh it's not. That sounds rude and I don't mean it to be rude, but it's true. Whatever.



The Wilson Pratt Wilson Family said...


You don't owe an explanation to anyone, about any of that stuff, EVER. Anyone who asks those questions and is serious is ridiculous. But, you are right that writing it down can definitely be therapeutic. I do that a lot and it helps me to process different emotions in my life, whether they are happy or sad or anything else. I took anti-anxiety medication for about a year when I was in high school, and reading what kind of side effects you are having sounded eerily similar to mine when I was taking it. Especially the dizziness and insomnia. I do think that the meds CAN be helpful though, if the doctors can get the "right" combination.
I really look up to you - for so many reasons. Listing them all here would take a very long time and a lot of space. But, it's important to know that just because you have these (extremely) difficult things you are dealing with, doesn't negate any of the truly wonderful things about you. You are smart and seriously so talented. You are beautiful and you have an amazing testimony and way of making others feel comfortable and loved. I know that I am grateful to have been the recipient of so many kind gestures of yours over the years. I know I am not the only one. I just think you're awesome, simple as that. When I think of people who have truly been angels in my life, or those that I am just drawn to for one reason or another, you are right at the top of that list. Just want you to know that.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this terrible anxiety. Having some experience with it, I know how truly awful and suffocating it can feel. It is difficult when you don't feel good, but everyone else sees you as doing just fine, or even worse, thinks that they should just keep adding and adding on to your list of expectations for yourself. Give yourself a break. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks about you. Especially those that don't know you well. You are strong and you are brave for facing this head on.
I know you know this, but remember that you are a daughter of God, and have very important plan that is uniquely your own. In fact, I don't know if I've ever known someone to fulfill their divine callings and gifts as much as you do. Thanks for being my friend and thanks for sharing your feelings. You never know who you might help with your words. :)


Nicole said...

I agree with Emily fully! You are an amazing friend. I know that posting this is hard and you don't owe anyone anything. You are always serving those around you and I know your words will help someone else. I am grateful to have you as a friend. I know that Heavenly Father knows your struggles and He has a plan for you. I am always here for you and know that you never owe me an explanation. Keep writing. I know it will help. ;)

Andrea said...

You are amazing. I have so much respect for you for the many talents you have and the willingness in which you share them with others. I know your prayers are being heard and that you will be able to overcome this challenge with the loving help of Heavenly Father.
Writing about things always helps me too. I think it's good for both the writer and the reader :)
Oh, and in reading this post my first thought was that crazy goose chase my mom took us on to get to the ferry crossing. You seemed pretty calm during that whole ride of a lifetime and looking back I don't know how any of us lived through it.


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