That's how I would describe my entire weekend.
I believe that writing things down helps for multiple reasons. I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog, and that's ok, it's not for anyone in particular. This post is mostly for me.
A few weeks ago I made it to the doctor for the first time in like 14 years....yikes. I was given some meds to help with some issues I've had my entire life. Anxiety/OCD. Dum dum dum dum. I hear people say all the time, oh I'm so OCD, I can't stand such and such. Pretty sure everyone has a little bit of OCD but in general, those who say they have it for the sake of dramatics, don't really have it. Who am I to judge....anyways. To me OCD is living every single day with a constant fear of _________ happening. Whatever the reasons for the individual person, it varies. To cope with that (usually senseless) fear, people with OCD develop habits or rituals that have to be completed to keep themselves safe, clean, etc...For me, it started off innocently enough, a few quirks here and there. But as time has gone on, I've come to realize how dependent I am on those 'habits'. The order that I get ready in the morning, how I dry my hair with my towel a certain way, lining things up, not stepping on cracks, etc....innocent enough. Now as more time has gone on, add a few more 'quirks' (calling them quirks makes me think I'm more like Zooey Deschenaal, and not some wacko) making sure the volume is on an even number, counting in my mind, spelling words in my mind, making sure I 'feel' even, sitting in the 'right' place in the car, where I put my stuff, hand washing/sanitizing, not touching doorknobs, how I put my shoes and socks on, etc....without realizing it really, it has consumed my life. I'm not nearly as bad as a lot of people with OCD, and I'm thankful for that. I have realized that I can stop something from becoming a habit if I try hard. But it's not really possible for me to change the already established habits.
Anyways my OCD stems from my anxiety. I think I subconsciously developed my OCD habits to self-medicate (in a way) my anxiety. I have very irrational fears, that's the most frustrating part, is that I KNOW they're irrational but there's not much I can do about it. One of my earliest anxiety memories happened when I was TWO years old. It's something I've dealt with my whole life. I thought I was pretty good at hiding it. 7th grade, it reared it's ugly, nasty head, probably upset that I had kept it hidden for so long. That was a bad year.
I've been debating whether to post this or not but either way, it's helped to write it all down.
On Friday I was supposed to fly to New York to spend the weekend in NYC, fun right? Wellllll I bought my plane ticket, bus pass, and attraction pass, drove 2 hours to Seattle Friday night. The entire time I was freaking out. Why? I have NO idea. I've flown by myself before, several times. It's not a big deal. There was just something about this trip and that day, I couldn't do it. I had a pretty embarrassing panic attack. Nothing helped. I have this weird issue, when people are mean to me I get really upset, when people show me too much compassion, I get really upset. It's annoying. So my mom was there and tried to make it better but it didn't help. I offered to buy her a plane ticket to come with me, give her my plane ticket to go, etc, but it doesn't work like that unfortunately. My mom called up the friend that I was supposed to meet over there and told her I couldn't go. That made me feel even worse. Ugh. It was all around horrible.
Last weekend I was literally in a daze. It was like I was in a dream, I wasn't really aware of what was going on. I drove home from Seattle with my mom and we talked about all my 'stuff'. I was sooo tense and the next morning I felt like I had been hit by a car. Even writing about it now makes me a little anxious. I've been thinking about that a lot this week and I've come to the conclusion that maybe I wasn't meant to go to NY, but I was meant to have that experience so I could finally admit to myself and others all the stuff that I've tried so hard to hide over the years.
There are some days that are worse than others. Since I've started taking some pills to help, it seems to be getting worse. Going to see a specialist in a few weeks. I'm just constantly dizzy, sick to my stomach, TIRED, I have no appetite (except at dinner I eat like a PIG), my mouth is so dry I cough when I breath, did I say dizzy? Tomorrow I will see my doctor and change something because it's dumb to feel worse while taking something that's supposed to help. I know diet plays a big role in this and I will be restarting my Prism way of eating next week (why is it always next week?). I'll see how that helps with my overall health. I think it will really help.
I'm still debating if I should post this. It's all pretty personal stuff but I do feel like I owe an explanation as to why I didn't go on my NY trip. Actually, I don't think I owe an explanation to anyone, more to myself. To work through my thought process. Hmmmm.
Well I'll post this, it might disappear in the next few hours, we'll see.
I just don't like talking about this kind of stuff. It does explain a lot about me though haha. When all those people at church ask me why I don't move to Utah, why I'm not married, why, why, why, I make up some silly excuse. But this is why. Why is it anyone's business? oh it's not. That sounds rude and I don't mean it to be rude, but it's true. Whatever.
19 hours ago