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Sunday, July 6, 2014

Finding a husband in three easy steps!

I know what you're thinking, only 3 steps?!
Yes.
I have compiled my vast expertise on the subject and have broken down the steps to getting a husband into three very comprehensive steps. It's the same basic principle as a box of cake mix that only requires you to add water, oil, and an egg. My "Husband Finding" recipe is straightforward and like cake mix, only requires the basic know-how and kitchen tools*.
*Disclaimer- kitchen tools might not be necessary. See, super easy.

Step 1:
Leave the house.
I find when one is on the 'husband hunt' leaving the house is a good place to start. Chances are very slim that you will happen upon someone (who is husband material ie: not your brother) one morning sitting on your couch*. However, it is technically in the realm of possibility of so if this happens to you, go with it. Skip steps 2 & 3 and ride off into the sunset.
*Disclaimer- please practice due diligence to verify that this strange man sitting in your living room is not in fact, a robber or serial killer. It might also be a good time to find out if they like clowns, Nickelback, or chew with their mouth open. If the answer is yes to any of those, please scroll back to the top and begin step 1 again.
I've heard dog parks, Starbucks, the subway, and grocery stores are all viable "husband hunting" ground. You don't even need a license for this kind of hunting- although a drivers license indicating you're over the age of 16 is preferred. 

Step 2:
Talk to people.
You can't expect to find a husband if you don't talk to anyone. Especially males who are of the husband prospect persuasion. Sometimes this is easier said than done. When you leave the house (see step #1) be prepared for the unexpected. Keep a list of possible conversation starters in your purse (in a pinch a handwritten list on your palm is acceptable). You want to be prepared for anything and long awkward pauses are not ideal. Fill up that dead air with exciting conversation. Try to gauge what the guy might like so you don't waste his or your time trying to explain the difference between knitting and crocheting. Chances are he'd rather talk about sports or something. If you're not a sports expert, fear not! Just ask basic questions like the following; "Sports are fun. Watching athletes sportsing it up can be really exciting. Especially when they score points and then more points. What's your favorite sport?" Easy. Now you have a natural commonality and you'll be able to converse for hours because he'll want to recap all of his favorite plays and who did them. Just smile and nod. Feel free to interject topic appropriate words like- goal, score, fifty yard line, dribble, touchdown, cheering, hot dog, free throw, Russel, 7th inning stretch, etc... He'll be really impressed that you know all those words and will definitely want to see where this goes. If by some off chance he doesn't like sports, talk about Batman, everyone has an opinion about Batman.
The point is, figure out what he likes and talk about it. Is he a plummer? Ask him what the best kind of toilet paper for your septic tank is. A lawyer perhaps? They love recess. Regale them with your favorite memories of recesses past. Business man? Discuss the rising prices of toner and ink cartridges. That is 100% guaranteed to be a topic that you will both agree on (just in case, the answer to this is; ridiculous. Printers should not be cheaper than the ink they require!)

Step 3:
Be yourself.
It's such a cliche but being yourself ensures that you are not impersonating someone else. You can't pretend you are Kelly Clarkson by acting like her then be surprised when you see him again and he's like, "you're not Kelly Clarkson, what did you do with her?" Don't mess with that, the last thing you need is someone questioning whether you are really Kelly Clarkson or {insert your name here}. Just do you. Don't front. Haters gonna hate but it's better you find out now that he doesn't like you, as opposed to later down the road when you have already pre-registered for your wedding at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond. (Although there's no need for that registry to go to waste if something were to happen. Save that baby for your next birthday or Christmas.) When you are open and honest it displays a certain vulnerability and confidence. That, my friends, is the secret ingredient. Remember not to be too needy or too cocky but find a healthy balance and roll with it playa.

That is all the time I have for today, but thank you for joining me on this journey to finding a husband. I know if you follow these simple steps you will eventually find a husband. I'm sure over ten thousand people have found a spouse with these methods and I know you can too!

Take luck homeslice. Keep that head up and remember that the most pretty thing a girl can wear is a really cute blouse.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Goodness Gracious!

Ummm it's June 15th...last time I blogged was April 2nd. Big Whoa! Apparently I don't have much to say....never have really I just usually spout off random things.
Life hasn't even been that busy so that's not really an excuse either. I just don't really think about blogging.

Maybe I will again.

Not tonight though.


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I'm not a fool

I had some fun yesterday, April Fools Day. I didn't have anything extravagant planned but I do love a good reason for pranking people. So I began by hacking my dad's facebook account

It was too easy. I just saved a bunch of pictures of Nicolas Cage and changed his profile and cover photos as well as created a photo album with photos of Nicolas Cage as different things (hostess cupcake, rabbit, Hannah Montana, etc...) He got some funny comments and when he saw it he was like what the heck? Who covered my FB in Nicolas Cage?! He said he'd get me back but he hasn't...yet...

Next on my list was my mother. I downloaded this app that changes your icons to cats when you press them....you can't access anything unless you exit the app so it's confusing for people. 

You can see how long it took her for her to realize I had done anything...from 3:30pm to 8pm she was clueless of her little surprise until I told her friend to text her. She doesn't let me near her phone anymore. She fell for this three times.

Next on my list was Ty and Jessica. Continuing my earlier Nicolas Cage theme I downloaded a google chrome extension that replaces EVERY picture online with a picture of Nicolas Cage...it's great. 
MSN Search page
 Facebook
Pinterest 
FB Ads
 It was cloudy with a chance of Nicolas Cage.
LDS.org

Why wouldn't you want to Cage-ify your life? I'd say I did them more of a favor than prank. 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Dauntless

Nichap (attempt at a nickname for Nicole...? It's kind of like knee cap but it would be pronounced Nee-chape) and I went to see Divergent on Friday.
It.
Was.
Awesome.

If you've read the books I think you'll like the movie. If you haven't read the books you should just go read them and see the movie. I was pleasantly surprised that I liked the actors in it. At first I wasn't sure, especially with Triss the main girl but I thought she did really well.

Anyways.

I think it's natural when I'm reading a book to relate myself to the characters and find commonalities or to take on different traits and become the protagonist in my mind. On paper I thought it would be cool to be brave and be a member of the Dauntless faction (read the books), but on screen there is NO way I would ever join that faction, not in a million years. I would not nor could not, jump from a moving train onto the roof of a building. I would take a second lap around the train track while sitting in the corner sucking my thumb and coming to terms with the fact that I would now be factionless (homeless). I would not nor could not jump from the top of that building into a vast expanse without knowing what was waiting for me at the bottom. Nope, not gonna do it. Peace out homies have fun bludgeoning each other.

Nichap and I were discussing what faction we would be in afterwards and while she did jump over a puddle that was pretty large it wasn't quite Dauntless material. Last night after dinner I decided to be Dauntless and had my mom roll the car with the door open and ran to jump in it- in a pencil skirt no less. So it just goes to show that I'm closer to Dauntless than Nicole is (Sorry Nichap).
Overall we decided Amity would be the best fit for both of us. They're kind of like hippies out there and we live in Whatcom County aka hippie central.

I even took a quiz and got Amity
  1. You got: Amity
     

    Amity is the faction dedicated to peacefulness, kindness, friendship, and forgiveness. They believe in love, not war, and their faction is truly democratic, voting on everything they do. They will often lie to avoid confrontation and their bread is embedded with peace serum, preventing Amity members from fighting. Their attire consists of red and yellow and their substance in the Choosing Ceremony is soil.


You can take it too!
While being a tough beast would be kind of fun for a few minutes I would grow tired of the constant commotion and the hostile environment. So Amity it is.

Random but kind of funny mean girls/Divergent cross-overs-



Sunday, March 16, 2014

Seeing Green

It's St. Patrick's Day Eve. I love the color green. I really have no other ties to the holiday other than the fact that I'm about leprechaun height and I want to find gold at the end of a rainbow. But I do love holidays! I wish I had a big box of decorations for each month/holiday that I could decorate with each month. I think there's something so magical about decorating and I just love it. Sometimes I think what traditions I like the most and now that I'm older I have ideas in my mind of what traditions I think would have been fun as a kid.

I babysat for a family one weekend and it happened to be St. Patrick's Day on Sunday. I was there Friday-Saturday night. On Saturday I told them some made up story about leprechauns and how nobody has ever been successful at catching one, but that if anyone tried to catch one the leprechauns would leave a gift behind. It was silly but they bought it. The key to success when selling a story to skeptical kids is inflection. First you lower your voice so it's like you're telling them a secret, you make your eyes wide and get really into what you're saying. Once you can see that they're hooked you become animated but not overly so, you don't want to give them reason to question your sanity. Every story has an ending and ending it with a flourish helps seal the story.
The story was my bait and once I was done, they were on the hook. I had planned ahead and brought a shoebox and other misc. supplies as well as crafting supplies. All day Saturday I kept them entertained by decorating this box with all sorts of green and rainbow craft stuff, paper, glitter, stamping, coloring, cutting out shapes, etc...Once they were done we found a quiet corner of the house and set our 'trap. We rigged a little system like you'd use to catch a rabbit (like I know what a rabbit catching trap is...). It was the box standing on it's end with a stick propping it up. We used a little bit of lucky charms as bait under the box.
That night after reading stories and tucking them in I waited until I knew they were asleep (they were REALLY excited for the next morning so it took some time). I had a hidden bag with chocolate coins, green clover confetti stuff, a few other St. Patrick's Day themed items/toys, nothing fancy at all. I made a trail of green confetti on the hardwood floors and put all the goodies under the box and removed the stick so it looked like something had knocked it over.
I explained to their parents when they got home and they thought it was fun. Well the next day at church they were like, you're wonderful but those kids were up at 6am to check their leprechaun trap...woops...they weren't really mad though.
The kids were really eager to show me what the leprechaun had left them. They each had their own animated story about what happened and how it had gotten away. They were beaming as they explained it all to me.

This doesn't have much of a point other than if you ever want someone to set a leprechaun trap I'm your girl. I haven't caught one yet but never say never!

Honestly the idea of setting this sort of thing up makes me so excited (don't worry I'm not going to because that would be weird). Maybe in an alternate universe where I had kids I would be setting up that surprise right now! I'm like an old kid. All I want is a bouncy house and a pair of heelies. #isthattoomuchtoask?

Saturday, March 1, 2014

What

Friday, February 14, 2014

If I had an online dating profile

-->
*This post is sponsored by Valentine's day 
**I'm just kidding

Online dating is a thing people do. I’m not one of those people but if I were my “about me” section would look a little something like this:
________________________


In the interest of full disclosure here are a few things you should know about me. At any point feel free to click the back button on your browser. Please remember you were fairly warned.


My socks often don’t match. I’m fairly certain a little house elf named Dobby keeps stealing them but I have yet to catch him in the act.

I have a fanatical obsession with Disney: the movies, the theme parks, the princesses, the villains, the silly sidekicks, the soundtracks, the cheesy and predictable endings, and the costumes.

My favorite holiday is Halloween.

I love orange foods, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, and carrots. Okay I love three orange foods.

As you can see from my above lists I do employ the use of the oxford comma and encourage all my acquaintances to do the same.

If you do not know how to correctly use the following words you need not apply: there, their, they’re. 
Points in your favor if you can name the 23 helping verbs.

My bucket list includes hiding in a closet at Ikea and when people pass jump out and yell “For Narnia!”

I’m patient except for when I’m not.

If you do not understand the following references you need not apply: “I open at the close”, “Turn to page 394”, “50 points for Gryffindor”, “Mischief managed”, “I must not tell lies”, “I have waited twelve years!”, “Always”.

Insert some sort of reference to walking on the beach or something as equally expected.

I love raw cookie dough therefore I live on the edge. Salmonella schamonella.

I don’t watch Doctor Who but I know enough not to abbreviate his name to Dr. Who.

I also don’t watch Lord of the Rings. Ever.

Sometimes muggles get me down but I Wingardium LeviOsa above it.

Most of the time I can’t think of the correct word to whatever I’m trying to say so you’ll need to learn that when I accidentally call a bunny a dolphin, you’re not supposed to laugh.

I want to start a “dance walking” movement.

My height limits me from reaching the top two shelves in any high cupboard so I’ve honed very impressive ninja moves as well as tong wielding capabilities used to extend my reach.

I have tendencies that lean towards the Hansel and Gretel persuasion. I leave little trails of items around. Let’s pretend that it helps me remember where I’ve been. It doesn’t but it’s better than saying I’m not good at putting my stuff away right away.
I love bees.


I engage in a wide variety of hobbies and activities including but not limited to: knitting/crocheting (yes just like your grandma), reading, sewing, dancing poorly and not seriously and not in front of strangers, crafting, photography, trying to build furniture (from scratch not Ikea), planning parties (even if they don’t happen), demolishing rooms that I decide I want to re-do, cooking, baking, etc… I’ve tried my hand at pickling, accounting, rubix cubes, learning Japanese, and close up magic. I have failed horribly at them all.



Miscellaneous facts about me: I’ve skydived indoors, I hate the sound of people clipping toenails and chewing, I overuse the phrase “Don’t make me punch you in the throat” when I’m annoyed (please note this is an empty threat), I may love shopping on Amazon a bit too much, I do not like odd numbers, I do not like the word blouse, I own a kayak, when frustrated with someone I’ve been known to call them Hector Zeroni or Hector or Hector Z, I do not camp, I do not eat tomatoes, I do wear socks to bed, and I do like building blanket forts.


Some of my favorite things-

Favorite coin- quarter

Favorite utensil- spoon

Favorite movie- too many

Favorite book- way too many but use your powers of deduction from the other things I’ve shared

Favorite TV show- Survivor

Favorite food- guacamole

Favorite band- too many
Favorite Font- Helvetica or Trebuchet

And If none of that works I'll hit 'em with this, 
If that doesn't work, I don't know what will. 


And that folks is just some of the reasons why I’m not married. 


*Maybe I should print this out to give to moms/grandmas/sisters/aunts when they want me to marry their son/grandson/brother/nephew

Friday, January 31, 2014

I'm like the cookie monster but with books not cookies

^ That's a mouthful! ^

I have been reading nonstop it seems! I keep 'buying' (mostly free) books for my kindle app and borrowing ebooks from the lending library it's so great!
I can't even remember the number of books I've read so far this month but it's been at least two-three a week. It feels good to read again it's been too long since I've really read.

I'm currently on the 4th Harry Potter book again. I only read HP when I blow dry my hair...it's a long process and I've gone through three books since this fall.

I've officially finished all of Sarah Eden's books- thankfully the woman writes like crazy and her next book comes out next month and will probably have one or two more by the end of the year. They are just fun to read there is nothing scandalous or crazy and they're the types of books you can finish in just a couple days. Just in the last few weeks I've read Seeking Persophne, As You Are, An Unlikely Match, and A Glimmer of Hope. I recommend all of the above and every other book she's written.

Another fun author similar to Sarah Eden is Karen Witemeyer. I've only read two of hers so far in the last couple weeks, Short Straw Bride and A Tailor-Made Bride. They both happened to be either free/cheap for my kindle. I have a third book of hers I got today from the library that I'm excited to begin. I'll have a reading super bowl instead of football!

I have also read five other random books on my kindle that were just alright. Nothing terribly exciting.

I did check out two books from the e-lending library I just finished the first one today it's called Persephone. It must have popped up because of the Sarah Eden book. I'm not into Greek mythology too much but I remember a little bit from school. It's a more modern take on the myths which is kind of interesting. Not one I'd rush out and buy or anything but it was a library book.

Anyways. I love reading. I also love writing. About a month and a half ago I started writing another book and I have over 60,000 words so far which equals approximately 250 pages (book formatted pages). It's not done yet but it takes a couple minutes to fully load on my computer. Cray.
On Monday or Tuesday I had a random thought and thought, hey that would be a fun book so I started writing again and have almost 15,000 words which is about 60 pages. I just have a fun time writing and daydreaming. I don't write out an outline or anything I just write and come up with stuff as it happens and occasionally I have to go and adjust small details but the thought of writing an outline and all that kind of takes the fun out of it. I enjoy just going where I want to with it.
I've been staying up too late though because I don't realize how much time passes. I should be indexing for one of my classes but I find little spurts of time to work on that and other homework too. 

Well go read those books. And if you have any recommendations for me let me know! I can always add more to my list :)

I kind of love January I feel like I've been hibernating and things haven't been so dang crazy. Last year I almost lost my mind so this is a good pace to begin the year.

Friday, January 24, 2014

My not so happy working song

Can't I just go to disneyland?! PLEASE?! That's all I want in life. I need to find a bird that will talk to me so I can prove I'm a disney princess and leave all these dingle hoppers behind for a whole new world.

These are a few of the things I want to ignore today and forever and how being a disney princess would eliminate the urgency/necessity of these tasks.

  • The 20 minute call wait line I'm on (If only I had a conch shell)? 
  • Enrolling for health insurance junk that's TOTALLY RIDICULOUS (princesses only require a kiss if they fall ill)! 
  • Homework I have due (an eternal sleep sounds more relaxing)!
  • Taxes (when you live in a tall tower where nobody knows you exist you don't have taxes)!
  • My messy room (living in a castle would give me more closet space)!
  • 12 loads of laundry I need to do (those talking birds would come in handy)!
  • Replacing my license plates which I got back in OCTOBER (pumpkin's turned carriages don't require license plates)!
  • My messy desk (living underwater would take care of those pesky papers)!
  • My messy car (Horses don't have trunks that stuff can be shoved into)!
  • Boxing up craft stuff downstairs (castles have whole wings that go unoccupied leaving lots of room for guests, thus eliminating the need to box stuff up)!
  • Getting my tires replaced (my fairy godmother could bippy boppty boo those things)!
  • Getting an oil change (the ability to create ice and snow from my fingertips would allow me to make a big skating rink so I could skate everywhere I wanted to go)!
  • Getting a car wash (canoes floating down the river bend get automatic washes)! 
Those are just a few of the things I really don't want to do. Alas I'll put my Spotify Disney playlist on and whistle while I work as I reflect on when my life will begin. Or better yet I can let it go, or I can build a snowman, or I could paint with all the colors of the wind. Those sound like better options. But a dream is just a wish your heart makes and I know I need to get one jump ahead but all I really want is a magic carpet ride.
I'm a fixer upper but I will be swift as a coursing river with all the force of a great tycoon with all the strength of a raging fire. I can go the distance and that's the gospel truth.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Free Two Day Shipping

I love Amazon. That is no secret around these parts. I order pretty much everything from there because it's so convenient, 95% of the time I get the item/s I need for cheaper than I would get it locally and I can get it for free in two days! It's made me spoiled and now I really dislike paying for shipping.

I've been reading lots of historical fiction lately, like a lot, and watching the same sort of movies/TV show (Downton Abbey). Watching/reading these stories makes me wonder how anything got accomplished back then! They had no email, no phones (well for the most part), and if you wanted to send a letter it would take weeks or longer to get to it's destination.

Now days we can obviously send emails instantly and if we want to send a letter it's 50 some odd cents and it can arrive in just a day or two. I love real cards/letters. There's nothing better than getting a real hand-written letter in the mail but it's rare these days.

This is a random blog geesh.

Anyways. Did you know in 1914 a mother mailed her baby across the state of Indiana for 17 cents and it was in a travel container labeled, "live baby"...17 cents wouldn't be enough to send a postcard now!
Also in 1914 a four year old girl was sent across the state for 53 cents (same price as shipping chickens) and she sat in the mail car with postage stamps on her coat. How I wish I could see that. In my mind I have a very clear image of it!


(In my little research on this I found that the US Postal service is the 3rd largest employer, the first is the US department of defense, and the second is Wal-Mart...what?!)

Well this post is sufficiently ridiculous. I'm wasting time waiting my dang laundry to dry (because my dryer takes f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to dry anything) and going to work. At least my clothes don't have to be hung dried outside! That happened this summer (thankfully in the summer!) and it was pretty unfortunate but we still had a working washer which was very fortunate.

We are lucky to receive those pesky emails and bills that make us pay for electricity and gas to heat our houses. Lucky to order items from the other side of the country and receive them just days later. I have a car that I just push a peddle down and it (can) moves at a very alarming speed AND it plays music AND sprays fluid on the windshield to clean it off! Whoa. I gotta stop reading these books because I keep getting too wrapped up in their world and I get these sudden hankerings to heat up bricks in the fireplace and put them at the foot of my bed for warmth.

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