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Friday, February 14, 2014

If I had an online dating profile

*This post is sponsored by Valentine's day 
**I'm just kidding

Online dating is a thing people do. I’m not one of those people but if I were my “about me” section would look a little something like this:

In the interest of full disclosure here are a few things you should know about me. At any point feel free to click the back button on your browser. Please remember you were fairly warned.

My socks often don’t match. I’m fairly certain a little house elf named Dobby keeps stealing them but I have yet to catch him in the act.

I have a fanatical obsession with Disney: the movies, the theme parks, the princesses, the villains, the silly sidekicks, the soundtracks, the cheesy and predictable endings, and the costumes.

My favorite holiday is Halloween.

I love orange foods, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, and carrots. Okay I love three orange foods.

As you can see from my above lists I do employ the use of the oxford comma and encourage all my acquaintances to do the same.

If you do not know how to correctly use the following words you need not apply: there, their, they’re. 
Points in your favor if you can name the 23 helping verbs.

My bucket list includes hiding in a closet at Ikea and when people pass jump out and yell “For Narnia!”

I’m patient except for when I’m not.

If you do not understand the following references you need not apply: “I open at the close”, “Turn to page 394”, “50 points for Gryffindor”, “Mischief managed”, “I must not tell lies”, “I have waited twelve years!”, “Always”.

Insert some sort of reference to walking on the beach or something as equally expected.

I love raw cookie dough therefore I live on the edge. Salmonella schamonella.

I don’t watch Doctor Who but I know enough not to abbreviate his name to Dr. Who.

I also don’t watch Lord of the Rings. Ever.

Sometimes muggles get me down but I Wingardium LeviOsa above it.

Most of the time I can’t think of the correct word to whatever I’m trying to say so you’ll need to learn that when I accidentally call a bunny a dolphin, you’re not supposed to laugh.

I want to start a “dance walking” movement.

My height limits me from reaching the top two shelves in any high cupboard so I’ve honed very impressive ninja moves as well as tong wielding capabilities used to extend my reach.

I have tendencies that lean towards the Hansel and Gretel persuasion. I leave little trails of items around. Let’s pretend that it helps me remember where I’ve been. It doesn’t but it’s better than saying I’m not good at putting my stuff away right away.
I love bees.

I engage in a wide variety of hobbies and activities including but not limited to: knitting/crocheting (yes just like your grandma), reading, sewing, dancing poorly and not seriously and not in front of strangers, crafting, photography, trying to build furniture (from scratch not Ikea), planning parties (even if they don’t happen), demolishing rooms that I decide I want to re-do, cooking, baking, etc… I’ve tried my hand at pickling, accounting, rubix cubes, learning Japanese, and close up magic. I have failed horribly at them all.

Miscellaneous facts about me: I’ve skydived indoors, I hate the sound of people clipping toenails and chewing, I overuse the phrase “Don’t make me punch you in the throat” when I’m annoyed (please note this is an empty threat), I may love shopping on Amazon a bit too much, I do not like odd numbers, I do not like the word blouse, I own a kayak, when frustrated with someone I’ve been known to call them Hector Zeroni or Hector or Hector Z, I do not camp, I do not eat tomatoes, I do wear socks to bed, and I do like building blanket forts.

Some of my favorite things-

Favorite coin- quarter

Favorite utensil- spoon

Favorite movie- too many

Favorite book- way too many but use your powers of deduction from the other things I’ve shared

Favorite TV show- Survivor

Favorite food- guacamole

Favorite band- too many
Favorite Font- Helvetica or Trebuchet

And If none of that works I'll hit 'em with this, 
If that doesn't work, I don't know what will. 

And that folks is just some of the reasons why I’m not married. 

*Maybe I should print this out to give to moms/grandmas/sisters/aunts when they want me to marry their son/grandson/brother/nephew


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