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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Parable of the Lanyard

*Disclaimer, this post is really a story, not a parable, I'm just overly dramatic and like to use big words

This is a story of a girl who didn't know how to keep her nose out of errybody's bid-ness. Let's call her Miranda. She was pretty tall for her age with skin white as snow. She was the coolest kid on the playground, and let's be honest, the coolest kid this side of the Miss-ippi. *Please note, we are now reading in a southern accent. She had/has the best dance moves and the most exquisite and charming personality that has ever graced this green earth.

When Miranda was just a wee lass *Please note, we are now reading in a Scottish accent the tender age of but 10ish years young, she decided to do a naughty thing. Now Miranda did a lot of naughty things like jumping out her bedroom window to play in the cul-de-sac, dripping nail polish on carpets, making big messes and blaming it on the one year old who couldn't yet speak, and she once 'borrowed' one of those cool pen erasers from a boy in the 4th grade and 'forgot' to return it (let it be known that she has been tossed around a sea of guilt since). But there was one time of year that Miranda was especially naughty. December.
for reference, this is the same exact color and model of the pen 
eraser mentioned in the story

Remember, Miranda was a nosy girl and was always up in someone's grill *Please note, we are now reading in a New York accent December was a difficult time for Miranda. Back then the days, weeks, months, years went by soooooo slowllllly it seemed like Christmas only happened once every decade. Being nosy, she knew of the many hiding places in her parents bedroom. (shhhhhh) This one day in December, she was trying to see over the counter to look at her perfect complexion in the mirror and it dawned on her that her parents had probably started hiding Christmas presents. Quiet as a mouse, Miranda left the bathroom and crawled to her parents bed. Jackpot. There were several bags tossed in 'plain site' behind extra blankets and pillows deep under the bed. Quickly and quietly she pulled the only bag her little arms could reach. She crawled back into the bathroom and opened the bag. Inside was an object that caught her eye. She wasn't quite sure what it's purpose was, but she loved it. The rest of the items weren't for her so she shoved everything back inside and returned it to it's hiding spot.

Christmas morning came, just before Miranda thought she would burst from anticipation. One of her packages contained the item she had found a few weeks back. She put it around her neck and knew it upped her cool meter by a good 86%. 

Fast forward a couple years later. Miranda gets her very first house key. Pulling the item from her desk drawer she proudly attached her key to the coveted 'Old Navy' Lanyard. A few more years later, Miranda got her driving permit and the next year her drivers license. Now it had been many years since this lanyard had made it's debut, but she knew where it was. Now all of her keys were on this lanyard, never to be taken off.

Miranda had purchased many lanyards over the years, colorful ones, blingy ones, cutesy ones, but never managed to switch the old lanyard for the new ones. Until now. 15ish years after snooping around under her parents bed, Miranda finally realized that the poor Old Navy lanyard had seen better days and she had a really cute bright green one hanging from her mirror, taunting her for a year. It was a memorable moment for Miranda. She breathed a sigh of remorse mixed with trepidation (would this new lanyard hold up to such high standards?), mixed with sadness, mixed with glee, mixed with anticipation. Miranda had finally done it. Chances are, that little blue Old Navy lanyard will go in a memory box, perhaps in a box with this story. Maybe in 10 years Miranda will find that box and reminisce on all the good times her and that blue lanyard had. Perhaps that new bright green lanyard will be dulled and worn, needing to be replaced and it's story will be recorded, and placed to rest in the same box.

I have a confession, the girls name was not Miranda as I had convinced you, it was Amanda. Miranda is me, I am Miranda. Perhaps you cannot believe me to be capable of such tom foolery and lies but, I cannot deny it, or who I was back then. I defied all authority and convention, and this is my story.

 My trusty, blue, Old Navy lanyard. Perhaps the smallest, most random item I have ever not lost.
 My new, bright green BYU-I lanyard. It won't be the same, but it will sure make it a heckuvalot easier to find my keys from within the depths of my purse.

 *PS, I'm REALLY sorry if you just read that entire story, while all the facts are true, this was the most random, strange, unrelated to anything, story I have ever told.

Stay tuned for next week's Miranda story, The forgotten bottle of glow in the dark nail polish. dun dun dun, it's a doozy.



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