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Friday, November 16, 2012

No, just no.

Would you wear it
in a box?
Would you wear it with a fox?
Not in a box.
Not with a fox.
Not in a house.
Not with a mouse.
I would not wear it here or there.
I would not wear it anywhere.
I would not wear a fedora.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
Would you? Could you?
In a car?
wear it! wear it!
Here they are.
I would not,
could not,
in a car.
You may like them.
You will see.
You may like them
in a tree!
I would not, could not in a tree.
Not in a car! You let me be.
I do not like them in a box.
I do not like them with a fox.
I do not like them in a house.
I do not like them with a mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like fedoras.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Let's talk about fedoras. You shouldn't wear them. You shouldn't think they make you look cool. You should take it out back and throw it in the burn pile, you shouldn't even give that thing away. You shouldn't compare fedoras, you shouldn't have a fedora with feathers. I never realized how passionate I am about spreading the word about fedora-cide.

The only way you can get away with it can be explained in two words.
Johnny Depp

That's it!! If you were never in the following movies, What's eating Gilbert Grape?, Edward Scissor Hands, Benny and Joon, Pirates of the Caribbean, Chocolat, Alice in Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, or Secret Window (we're not going to talk about the Tourist) then you may not wear a Fedora (I guess if your name is Helena Bonham Carter you can just by default).

I don't care if you have been in a Nicholas Sparks movie, don't wear it.

ewwwughhhhyuckkkkk that's not ok. I don't like the guy anyway and with the fedora on I want to kick him in the knees.

No and double no.

Take this as a public service announcement. They are allowed on October 31st. Or if you want to be an ironic hipster for the afternoon as a joke. Otherwise, I will judge you and your fedora clad head if I see you in public.

If you are a lover of the Fedora, I apologize if I offended you, but only halfheartedly.


Kristin said...

Mostly I agree. Except, I think some old men can pull them off. There has to be a minimum age of like 55 to buy a fedora.

Amanda said...

ok that is true. I've seen some cute old men wearing them. I'd say 65 or older :)


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