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Sunday, July 6, 2014

Finding a husband in three easy steps!

I know what you're thinking, only 3 steps?!
Yes.
I have compiled my vast expertise on the subject and have broken down the steps to getting a husband into three very comprehensive steps. It's the same basic principle as a box of cake mix that only requires you to add water, oil, and an egg. My "Husband Finding" recipe is straightforward and like cake mix, only requires the basic know-how and kitchen tools*.
*Disclaimer- kitchen tools might not be necessary. See, super easy.

Step 1:
Leave the house.
I find when one is on the 'husband hunt' leaving the house is a good place to start. Chances are very slim that you will happen upon someone (who is husband material ie: not your brother) one morning sitting on your couch*. However, it is technically in the realm of possibility of so if this happens to you, go with it. Skip steps 2 & 3 and ride off into the sunset.
*Disclaimer- please practice due diligence to verify that this strange man sitting in your living room is not in fact, a robber or serial killer. It might also be a good time to find out if they like clowns, Nickelback, or chew with their mouth open. If the answer is yes to any of those, please scroll back to the top and begin step 1 again.
I've heard dog parks, Starbucks, the subway, and grocery stores are all viable "husband hunting" ground. You don't even need a license for this kind of hunting- although a drivers license indicating you're over the age of 16 is preferred. 

Step 2:
Talk to people.
You can't expect to find a husband if you don't talk to anyone. Especially males who are of the husband prospect persuasion. Sometimes this is easier said than done. When you leave the house (see step #1) be prepared for the unexpected. Keep a list of possible conversation starters in your purse (in a pinch a handwritten list on your palm is acceptable). You want to be prepared for anything and long awkward pauses are not ideal. Fill up that dead air with exciting conversation. Try to gauge what the guy might like so you don't waste his or your time trying to explain the difference between knitting and crocheting. Chances are he'd rather talk about sports or something. If you're not a sports expert, fear not! Just ask basic questions like the following; "Sports are fun. Watching athletes sportsing it up can be really exciting. Especially when they score points and then more points. What's your favorite sport?" Easy. Now you have a natural commonality and you'll be able to converse for hours because he'll want to recap all of his favorite plays and who did them. Just smile and nod. Feel free to interject topic appropriate words like- goal, score, fifty yard line, dribble, touchdown, cheering, hot dog, free throw, Russel, 7th inning stretch, etc... He'll be really impressed that you know all those words and will definitely want to see where this goes. If by some off chance he doesn't like sports, talk about Batman, everyone has an opinion about Batman.
The point is, figure out what he likes and talk about it. Is he a plummer? Ask him what the best kind of toilet paper for your septic tank is. A lawyer perhaps? They love recess. Regale them with your favorite memories of recesses past. Business man? Discuss the rising prices of toner and ink cartridges. That is 100% guaranteed to be a topic that you will both agree on (just in case, the answer to this is; ridiculous. Printers should not be cheaper than the ink they require!)

Step 3:
Be yourself.
It's such a cliche but being yourself ensures that you are not impersonating someone else. You can't pretend you are Kelly Clarkson by acting like her then be surprised when you see him again and he's like, "you're not Kelly Clarkson, what did you do with her?" Don't mess with that, the last thing you need is someone questioning whether you are really Kelly Clarkson or {insert your name here}. Just do you. Don't front. Haters gonna hate but it's better you find out now that he doesn't like you, as opposed to later down the road when you have already pre-registered for your wedding at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond. (Although there's no need for that registry to go to waste if something were to happen. Save that baby for your next birthday or Christmas.) When you are open and honest it displays a certain vulnerability and confidence. That, my friends, is the secret ingredient. Remember not to be too needy or too cocky but find a healthy balance and roll with it playa.

That is all the time I have for today, but thank you for joining me on this journey to finding a husband. I know if you follow these simple steps you will eventually find a husband. I'm sure over ten thousand people have found a spouse with these methods and I know you can too!

Take luck homeslice. Keep that head up and remember that the most pretty thing a girl can wear is a really cute blouse.

2 comments:

Laura Lopez said...

Hilarious!

Nicole said...

I love this. I am now going to go find me a husband.

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