Posts
*This post is sponsored by Valentine's day
**I'm just kidding
Online dating is a thing people do. I’m not one of those
people but if I were my “about me” section would look a little something like
this:
________________________
In the interest of full disclosure here are a few things you
should know about me. At any point feel free to click the back button on your
browser. Please remember you were fairly warned.
My socks often don’t match. I’m fairly certain a little
house elf named Dobby keeps stealing them but I have yet to catch him in the
act.
I have a fanatical obsession with Disney: the movies, the
theme parks, the princesses, the villains, the silly sidekicks, the
soundtracks, the cheesy and predictable endings, and the costumes.
My favorite holiday is Halloween.
I love orange foods, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, and
carrots. Okay I love three orange foods.
As you can see from my above lists I do employ the use of
the oxford comma and encourage all my acquaintances to do the same.
If you do not know how to correctly use the following words you
need not apply: there, their, they’re.
Points in your favor if you can name the 23 helping verbs.
My bucket list includes hiding in a closet at Ikea and when
people pass jump out and yell “For Narnia!”
I’m patient except for when I’m not.
If you do not understand the following references you need
not apply: “I open at the close”, “Turn to page 394”, “50 points for Gryffindor”,
“Mischief managed”, “I must not tell lies”, “I have waited twelve years!”,
“Always”.
Insert some sort of reference to walking on the beach or
something as equally expected.
I love raw cookie dough therefore I live on the edge.
Salmonella schamonella.
I don’t watch Doctor Who but I know enough not to abbreviate
his name to Dr. Who.
I also don’t watch Lord of the Rings. Ever.
Sometimes muggles get me down but I Wingardium
LeviOsa above it.
Most of the time I can’t think of the correct word to
whatever I’m trying to say so you’ll need to learn that when I accidentally call
a bunny a dolphin, you’re not supposed to laugh.
I want to start a “dance walking” movement.
My height limits me from reaching the top two shelves in any
high cupboard so I’ve honed very impressive ninja moves as well as tong
wielding capabilities used to extend my reach.
I have tendencies that lean towards the Hansel and Gretel
persuasion. I leave little trails of items around. Let’s pretend that it helps
me remember where I’ve been. It doesn’t but it’s better than saying I’m not
good at putting my stuff away right away.
I love bees.
I engage in a wide variety of hobbies and activities
including but not limited to: knitting/crocheting (yes just like your grandma),
reading, sewing, dancing poorly and not seriously and not in front of strangers,
crafting, photography, trying to build furniture (from scratch not Ikea), planning
parties (even if they don’t happen), demolishing rooms that I decide I want to re-do, cooking, baking, etc… I’ve tried my hand
at pickling, accounting, rubix cubes, learning Japanese, and close up magic. I have failed
horribly at them all.
Miscellaneous facts about me: I’ve skydived indoors, I hate
the sound of people clipping toenails and chewing, I overuse the phrase “Don’t
make me punch you in the throat” when I’m annoyed (please note this is an empty
threat), I may love shopping on Amazon a bit too much, I do not like odd numbers, I do not like the word
blouse, I own a kayak, when frustrated with someone I’ve been known to call
them Hector Zeroni or Hector or Hector Z, I do not camp, I do not eat tomatoes,
I do wear socks to bed, and I do like building blanket forts.
Some of my favorite things-
Favorite coin- quarter
Favorite utensil- spoon
Favorite movie- too many
Favorite book- way too many but use your powers of deduction
from the other things I’ve shared
Favorite TV show- Survivor
Favorite food- guacamole
Favorite band- too many
Favorite Font- Helvetica or Trebuchet
And If none of that works I'll hit 'em with this,
If that doesn't work, I don't know what will.
And that folks is just some of the reasons why I’m not married.
*Maybe I should print this out to give to moms/grandmas/sisters/aunts when they want me to marry their son/grandson/brother/nephew
